Breathe a little, live a little

I was walking the familiar path towards my office, a path I take every day on my way to work, when I noticed these fuchsia flowers sticking quite conspicuously out of an office building. Surprised I didn’t notice them before in the past, and also because I’m a flower person, I commented about them to my friend who was with me at that time. He simply said it was because I was “being in the present”. And that struck a poignant chord within me because of how many times I’ve trod on the same path looking downwards or rushing to get to a certain place or just too occupied to just BE in the present moment.

I’m a person who thrives on making plans. Planning helps me to stay calm when I organize the clutter in my mind and sort them into manageable chunks. It also gets me super excited especially when I’m planning my next vacation, outing, you name it. It gives me something to look forward to as I go through my mundane day-to-day schedule. But the problem with planning and anticipating something that is yet to happen is this: that I am so caught up in the ‘what could happen’ that I forget to just enjoy the current moment. So much so that when I’m actually in highly awaited moment, I’m just grazing the surface while my mind is furiously churning out ideas on what to do next. On the outside, I’m living the life floating in the clear turquoise waters of the Andaman Sea, but in actuality, I’m thinking of catchy Instagram captions or Googling places to have drinks later. I’m afraid I’ll actually forget how to revel in a moment, how to just… be.

Sometimes I really wonder why I rush so much. It’s not like I have to urgently be somewhere all the time. Why do I always feel so kancheong inside? Maybe if I learnt how to slow down and look around more, I would feel that my humdrum workaday life had more colour to it. That I didn’t have to look to seasonal activities to keep me motivated. Because right now is exactly the place that I want to be in.

So, how does one start to just be present? 

It looks so tranquil, a lone boat on a river, but there were heaps of tourists all around, just not captured in this frame

On Wellness

My journey to wellness. Actually, starting it like this sounds like i’ve already achieved wellness nirvana and ready to start open my own gym. No. The reality is far far from it. Fact is, I’ve only started taking baby steps on this journey but I’m running with it to see how far I can go with it. Hopefully, it’s not just the post-resolution making January in me speaking.

In Bride Wars, there was a scene where Kate Hudson’s character gained a little weight and asked if the salesperson could alter her wedding dress only to have the saleslady haughtily retort, “you don’t alter a Vera Wang to fit you, you alter yourself to fit Vera”. Like a majority of well-meaning females in the world, I started this journey because of a dress one Saturday in November. Having chosen and bought a bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding, i brought it home only to realise it was a tad tight across the waist. Meaning I CANNOT GAIN ANY EXTRA WEIGHT until the wedding. This inspired more than a little panic which had me frantically counting calories for everything I ate and manically running on the treadmill for a whole week. Yup, it lasted exactly 1 week before I regressed and went back to my slovenly sugar eating ways. I mean, life is already hard without calorie counting and feeling hungry and deprived all the time. And food just makes me happy, ya know? Thinking of eating, planning my meals, reading eatery reviews, looking up recipes, I derive as much joy from them as the actual act of eating. It was truly miserable going into my second week of this new lifestyle.

On the eating front, I haven’t done so well. But I’m glad to report that the exercising part stuck at least. From exercising 2 days a week, I increased to 4 times a week, and now, I’m aiming to stay active at least 6 days of the week with 1 total rest day. To be honest, I didn’t want to tell anyone about my goal outside of my immediate family because at the back of my mind there were thoughts of, “what if I fail halfway?”; “what if people expect some kind of result like having 6 packs and I still have flab?!”. Or when looking at friends or influencers with bodies to die for, I felt inadequate and more than a bit envious. How on earth did they do it??? But I’ve decided that I won’t be dictated by how others look or what other people think anymore. It isn’t healthy. Everyone’s bodies are built differently and I’ve just got to run with what works for me and makes me feel good about myself. Maybe I will never get that 6 pack, but at least I’ve got better stamina than I had before. And I’m stronger than I was yesterday.

My 2019 goal really is to turn this into a habit so it sticks as part of my lifestyle. I’ve still got a long way to go, especially when it comes to governing my habit of snacking at night. As they say in all those fitness articles, diet is even more important that exercise itself. But as for whether I’ll be able to look slim sans unsightly tummy bulge in my dinner dress, well… the moment of reckoning comes all too soon (next week). Wish me all the best!

(insert poster of a motivational quote here)

My 5 sen* on LDR

My bf and I recently celebrated our 4^th year anniversary when he came down for a visit from Bangkok. I use the term celebrated as loosely as can be permitted because I really don’t think he remembered and we didn’t do anything special. But its ok, him just being with me is present enough right? Wrong! Those celebrations I missed out on will be compounded and claimed at a later date. He will pay for it. I mean, literally fork out money for it J

There is always not enough time

Lame jokes aside, I was just really happy to be able to spend time with him after 2 months of being apart. Oh so sappy. Being in a LDR for the better part of 3+ years, I think time is always at the back of our minds. We count down the days til we meet, and when we do, we count down the days til we have to leave again. Then the clock is reset. As much as I want to immerse myself in the present moment, the niggling thought of “only 34 hours and 40 mins left of this to enjoy. You’d better make the most of it” would almost always spoil it a little bit. And because I have a case of FOLO (fear of losing out), I’d try to cram doing as many things as possible when we’re together. Visit cafes or restaurants that I wanted to try with him previously, do fun couply activities that we don’t often get to do because we don’t see each other as often as regular couples do - that it becomes more of ticking something off a list than truly enjoying each other’s company.

I hate airport goodbyes

Which are inevitable in a LDR. In the beginning of our relationship, we would park the car at the airport and stay until it was close to boarding time before sending the other person off. A lot of the times I would be trying to hold back tears before resigning myself to the solo journey back home. We’ve now honed the routine from constant practice that it’s just a quick peck at the car drop off and off you go! Well, what can I say, you’ve just got to suck it up and be strong.

It’s the same with going travelling together. We would fly from separate cities and meet at the destination. Oh how I would envy couples who travelled together and returned home from a holiday TOGETHER. I mean, coming down from a holiday high is rough, but add having to say goodbye for another month of two slams you down into dirt hard ground from cloud 9 pretty quickly.

When being logistically challenged is really tough

My bf suffered a series of setbacks this year following the passing of a relative. Problems just kept coming at him one after another and he was struggling to deal with all of it for some time. It was really hard for me to see him in that state and not be able to do much besides being available over the phone whenever he needed company. Everyone deals with grief differently, and when he began to pull away from everyone including me, I was at a loss of how to handle it. The worst was when I couldn’t reach him on whatsapp/ fb messenger/ regular phone line, and truly not knowing if he was ok or not. My overactive imagination would start making up the worst scenarios when he just forgot to charge his phone or fell asleep. So yeah, it was tough for him, and by extension for me as well. It made me reevaluate a lot of things in our relationship that I took for granted before. But I’m happy to report that with time also comes healing. I don’t know when or if things will be back to normal, but he’s getting better slowly. Life is messy right? We just have to make the most of what we’ve been given.

Future plans are vague

But they are full of possibilities. At least, that is what I tell myself on my positive days when I’m not lamenting how being in separate places is really keeping us from moving on to the next phases of our lives. We know we want to be together but the when and where and how eludes us for now. So, most days, I see-saw from enjoying my freedom and independence, to being impatient and resentful about being apart from him.

There are a couple of silver linings in this sob story

As mentioned before, I get to have the freedom to do my own thing without having him constantly around. I get to spend more time with my friends and parents. We also seldom fight when we’re together because why waste the short time we have being angry with one another. And of course, the very best perk is all that travel! Thanks to him, I’ve visited so many wonderful places in Thailand that I would never have had a chance to go to otherwise, and to Bangkok more times than I can remember now. It’s still fun every time I visit, and I still come back broke and have to borrow money from him to get food at the airport every time. We were also blessed to be able to visit Italy because of his work. Planning our travels is one of the ways I keep myself psyched up during the lulls when we are not together.

I guess, what I’m trying to say is that behind all the km’s we’re just a regular couple trying our best to make things work. Yes, it’s hard and yes, I ranted a LOT, but for me, it’s still worth the fight. So keep cheering us on ok?

*1 sen coins went out of circulation in 2011

Roadtrip Up North - A Little Slice of Paradise

Our spontaneous decision last night to go to Koh Mook meant that, the next day we still had no idea how to get there. Nor did we have a place to stay. Being media-savvy children of the 21st century, we quickly googled all that while checking out.

Ok, all set to move out. First we had to drive southwards to the sleepy beachside town of Trang, then take a ferry (yeah right, it was just a 1-engine sampan) to get there. It was my first time in Trang, and let me just say that town is gorgeous! And practically has zero tourists on the beach, which is waaaaaayyyy prettier than Krabi. 

Look at that view!
I didn't even have to purposely frame it to try to make it seem as empty of people as possible.

Trang is actually a connecting point for those who want to visit the many islands of the Andaman sea, being surrounded by them. But why it wasn't developed like Krabi or Phuket is anyone's guess. Probably a good thing too, to preserve gem of a place. 

Let me show you another treasure in Trang, possibly my favourite place of all there: 

Pine Tree Tunnel Road.

Ok I know it doesn't look all that impressive in picture. But imagine driving along a 5km tree lined road with the azure blue sea just peaking beyond the trees. This is the stuff roadtrip dreams are made of!

Stepping into kampung Koh Mook

To be honest, my first impression of Koh Mook after stepping off the boat was quite underwhelming. After all the modernity of Krabi, what is this kampung place? And oh the disappointment! The beach in front of our resort was rocky and muddy instead of sandy. 

My own little hut with a sea facing view.
I'll have you know that this is the best hut in the resort with the best view ok. We got a free upgrade. 

The sea facing view hahaha...
See what I mean about the beach?

Inside.
The toilet is fairly exposed to the elements as they built the huts around the trees rather than chopping them off. My friend's hut had a whole tree trunk inside the toilet. 

So, as you can see, this place is very back to nature. We had a few visitors of the scaly variety at night come visit. No snakes thank God! But really really REALLY ginormous geckos. Black, yellow, brown, you name it, they have it there. Now, lizards are pretty much on the top 3 things I'm terrified of, just below snakes, but I was so brave throughout the stay (if I must say so myself). I steeled myself to use the toilet even when the gecko was totally eyeballing me. 

The Slice

Once we had settled in, the resort sent a messenger to tell us to pick us up and bring us to the beach for sunset. Ooh! Sounds promising. Ok I'll give this place a chance. We quickly hopped into the motorcycle taxi (there are no cars on this island) and made our way to the beach. Which by the way, was like an ATV ride. There are some parts where it's just grass, rocks and dirt roads. So exhilarating! 

One of the main roads.
You can see part of a motorcycle taxi at the left of the picture. 

By the time we left this place, I was totally in love with this place. It was just so different to go back in time to a simpler time, and this place is really beautiful. Let me show you...

Farang Haad/ Charlie Beach

I love this place!

Look at how clear the water is....

The water is unbelievably shallow for miles.
See how the water only reaches my friend's bum although they are so much further in.

Beach boy doggo.

Slippers off and beer in hand.

Just enjoying the moment.
Moments like these make me thankful to be alive.

What else is there?

The next day, we went island hopping caving and snorkeling. Shakes my head. 

But I didn't hurl my breakfast so it's all good. 

The unique thing about this island is that the tide really goes in in the morning. So, in order to get to our waiting boat, we had to walk some distance out on the mud flat. Quite a good morning exercise. 

Beached boat.
Not our boat. 

Sighted, our ride for the day.
Taking our own sweet time to get there because the view is too gorgeous to not capture. 

Some cave.
Nice day for sightseeing. See how calm the water is (the most important thing for me).

There's nothing much to do on the island except relaxing and exploring the islands. There were many many more islands we didn't get to explore because chicken me didn't want to go too far out to sea. 

So for the rest of the day, we just lazed about the beach and discovered Koh Mook. 

Where residents live.

And at nights, we walked along the mud flats or stayed in and just chilled with snacks. 

Hermit crabs are everywhere on the beach.
They are so cute! And unafraid of humans. 

And soon enough, it was time to say goodbye to this magical place. In my mind, I was already planning my next trip back here. 

Goodbye Koh Mook! Thanks for treating us so well.

Roadtrip Up North - How I got burnt in krabi

As this was my 4th visit to Krabi, my only plan there was not to have any plans. I didn't want to go island hopping or snorkeling as we normally do on beach holidays. Also, largely due to how "wonderful" my past 2 boat rides were where I hurled my guts into the sea, I really wasn't too keen to do anything which required me to be on the sea and not in it.

So, in the morning we just walked around a beach I had always wanted to go to but didn't have time to RE: island hopping and snorkeling the past few times. That was really lovely. Except that the weather was fiery hot. And I was too excited to walk in the shade. The sight of a body of water always gets to me and makes me act like a fool.

Finally in the water! But not able to swim yet. 

Walking to a teeny tiny island from the mainland. You can only do it during low tide.
Dream come true! Hahaha

Other than that, we just walked around the shops around Ao Nang and had a swim at Railay beach nearby. There's really not much to share as it's just a pretty and touristy little beach town. So, here are some pictures instead.

In the morning - still smiling with fair skin. Oh little did you know...
Also, a little PSA: remember to keep hydrated in hot weather.

On the boat to Railay beach.
Ok, I know I said no more journeys on the water but this was the only way to get there so.... As you can see, not wearing any life jackets, very unsafe. 

At Railay beach - swimming at 2 in the afternoon.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the beginning of the end. Because I got a horribly bad sunburn, on my first day of holiday no less. 

View from a songtaew along Noppharat Thara beach road. The sea is just beyond the trees.
Fyi, songtaews are bigger tuk tuks.

So, you remember my dinky little hotel? Turns out it looks pretty tops in the day time. I spent a lot of time in the pool my 2 days there. 

Dinner at the Night Market in the town center.
Any guesses for how much this plate of economy rice cost me? 

On our second day in Krabi, while getting my hair washed, my friends randomly decided to spend the remainder of our holiday in a small, relatively undiscovered island called Koh Mook. There was never a better decision made.

Roadtrip Up North - A Bumpy Start

It started with my dad’s car’s rusty brake pads. Have you ever gone on a road trip and felt so inadequately prepared? Every screech made whenever my bf stepped on the break pedal would make my stomach clench just a little more, and silently utter a prayer to reach my destination safely. And it was a long road trip. 

But ok, let’s start from the real beginning. Where? What? How? Why? Who?

My car doesn't break.... well. 

So, my bf and his bro-friends have this annual thing where they would go on a short holiday every Chinese New Year. And after a lot of back and forth, we decided to go to the seaside town of Krabi this year. Everything was so last minute, and everyone being indecisive as to how we would get there (fly? Drive? Hire a van?) and even where we would stay. To the extent that we only decided to drive there a few days before our planned departure date. And because there were 6 of us going, my bf and I ended up having to drive my dad’s car for the trip. You just cannot drive a Myvi long distance. It was CNY and no car workshops were opened anymore so we had no choice but to chance it without first servicing the car. If you know me well enough, I am not really a spontaneous person, I like order and making plans, schedules, lists, you name it. So, other than the fact that a malfunctioning brake could possibly bring about my early demise, you can sort of see why I was rather antsy from the start.

All is not well.

Everything went as smooth as can be expected until we passed immigration on the Bukit Kayu Hitam (Malaysian) side. Utter monstrous bumper to bumper traffic jam on the Thai side. So much so, that we were just stuck in one place for an hour without moving at all. We then decided to get out of the queue and chance our luck at another immigration point in Kedah called Ban Prakop. That added another 3 hours of travel time when it should have just been 45 minutes. The drive through the Thai kampong roads was under repair and full of portholes that we had to be extra careful while driving. Even my friend who was driving a Ford Ranger tried to have as little impact as possible. Boy I wish we had a 4x4 at that time!

We reached Hatyai town at about 4pm for a late lunch/early dinner. I overstuffed myself and had indigestion later as we continued on our journey northwards Krabi. My weak stomach! 

What we had (clockwise from top far left) - fluffy omelette, keng som fish, kampung style salad with a fiery sambal dip, prawn cakes, paku salad, squirrel, refreshing coconut water, and sambal petai with prawns. 

While driving on the highway, the car in front of us hit a dog and unfortunately we could not avoid running over it. Talk about an ominous omen… RIP doggo. I’m sorry :( 

Krabi at last! Or is it? 

It was 11pm when we finally arrived at Ao Nang beach, the main tourist hub of Krabi. What was supposed to be a relatively short trip dragged on for a whole day! My only thought was to have a nice shower and change into my pjs and lie down on a comfy bed with snacks. Too bad! We didn’t have a hotel booked prior to coming so ended up going from one hotel to another looking for available rooms. That really wasn’t the best idea as it was the tourist high season and every hotel was full up! At first, we picked the nicer hotels, then, getting more and more desperate, we would just go into every random hotel to inquire. After an hour of frantic (on my part) searching, we stumbled on a small hotel at the far end of Ao Nang. Success! At least, that was what we felt until we reached the place and found it dark with no one behind the lobby desk, and many rooms unoccupied. Haunted or what? Turned out to be the best decision as the place was cheap, relatively clean, and had a nice little pool, and nary a ghost.

So this was the sum of the journey.

Stay tuned for my next entry on my time in Krabi. Hello sun! Hello sea!

Your memory will carry on.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of activity. Time consumed by travelling back and forth. Chatter of family members coming and going, each murmuring a solemn "I'm sorry for your loss". Sometimes they talk about the past. Trading memories of a time long ago. Those stories I like to listen to, they bring the dead closer to the living. Reminds us that they once were alive and vibrant.

You may be gone from this world, but your memory lives on.

Last Sunday, I became grandfather-less. Well, at least in this world. But in reality, I am rich in the love and heritage from both my grandfathers. I am both grieving and thankful, having had the privilege of 26 years of grandfatherly affection, and with that, 26 years of memories with him that hurts my heart now. The thought that after Thursday, I only have the photos and my memory left to remember his face by, is sad.

My grandfather.

The oldest son in his family. The adopted son. Yet they loved him as their own. My grandfather was the undisputed head of the family clan. I remember chinese new year gatherings where the family would visit en masse. And though I use to loathe family gatherings, I now look back at them fondly. They were necessary. They are. Or how would we hold on to family ties, even if the person is my grandaunt's daughter's son's wife? Blood is still thicker than water.

Everyone has a different memory of him. As a father, an uncle, a brother, a grandfather. But all say the same things, that is he was a kind and caring man, and he was meticulous to a fault. A peek into his accounts book is testament to his careful nature. I remember he would take the time to do his accounts every night after dinner. That would also be the time he would spend chatting with my parents and other "grown ups" over a mug of coffee. As my mind unearths more and more images from the past, I am determined that the future generations shall know him for the man he is. Was.

When he could still drive, he would go out every month or so to run errands and replenish the sweet jar. I think this is where i get my love for black hacks from. And he would buy this most delicious asam that no matter where I look, I can never find again. But not before making sure he had on his Sunday outfit; a white shirt and tan trousers, and neatly slicking back his hair with Bryl Cream. It was a standing joke in my family that when Ah Kong started styling his hair, he was "going SOMEWHERE". It's adorable that he brought traits from his generation (i'm guessing his heyday was in the 40's and 50's) to the present. But those qualities also taught me about respecting people through dressing neatly and presentably.

I have many many more memories of him, with him... but they would take far to long to go through one by one. I guess what I really want to say throughout this long litany is... I miss you Ah Kong. I started missing you the day you had your second stroke and couldn't talk or move anymore. Because to me, that was when the real you had left. But today, I want to say, even your presence then was comforting, and it will hurt more to go to your house after this and not being able to call "Ah Kong!" anymore. Because it won't be the same without you.

And thank you.

I love you.


Goodbye.