My bf and I recently celebrated our 4th year
anniversary when he came down for a visit from Bangkok. I use the term
celebrated as loosely as can be permitted because I really don’t think he
remembered and we didn’t do anything special. But its ok, him just being with
me is present enough right? Wrong! Those celebrations I missed out on will be
compounded and claimed at a later date. He will pay for it. I mean, literally
fork out money for it J
There is always not enough time
Lame jokes aside, I was just really happy to be able to
spend time with him after 2 months of being apart. Oh so sappy. Being in a LDR
for the better part of 3+ years, I think time is always at the back of our
minds. We count down the days til we meet, and when we do, we count down the
days til we have to leave again. Then the clock is reset. As much as I want to
immerse myself in the present moment, the niggling thought of “only 34 hours
and 40 mins left of this to enjoy. You’d better make the most of it” would almost
always spoil it a little bit. And because I have a case of FOLO (fear of losing
out), I’d try to cram doing as many things as possible when we’re together.
Visit cafes or restaurants that I wanted to try with him previously, do fun couply
activities that we don’t often get to do because we don’t see each other as
often as regular couples do - that it becomes more of ticking something off a
list than truly enjoying each other’s company.
I hate airport goodbyes
Which are inevitable in a LDR. In the beginning of our
relationship, we would park the car at the airport and stay until it was close
to boarding time before sending the other person off. A lot of the times I would
be trying to hold back tears before resigning myself to the solo journey back
home. We’ve now honed the routine from constant practice that it’s just a quick
peck at the car drop off and off you go! Well, what can I say, you’ve just got
to suck it up and be strong.
It’s the same with going travelling together. We would fly
from separate cities and meet at the destination. Oh how I would envy couples
who travelled together and returned home from a holiday TOGETHER. I mean,
coming down from a holiday high is rough, but add having to say goodbye for
another month of two slams you down into dirt hard ground from cloud 9 pretty
quickly.
When being logistically challenged is really tough
My bf suffered a series of setbacks this year following the
passing of a relative. Problems just kept coming at him one after another and
he was struggling to deal with all of it for some time. It was really hard for
me to see him in that state and not be able to do much besides being available over
the phone whenever he needed company. Everyone deals with grief differently,
and when he began to pull away from everyone including me, I was at a loss of
how to handle it. The worst was when I couldn’t reach him on whatsapp/ fb
messenger/ regular phone line, and truly not knowing if he was ok or not. My
overactive imagination would start making up the worst scenarios when he just
forgot to charge his phone or fell asleep. So yeah, it was tough for him, and
by extension for me as well. It made me reevaluate a lot of things in our
relationship that I took for granted before. But I’m happy to report that with
time also comes healing. I don’t know when or if things will be back to normal,
but he’s getting better slowly. Life is messy right? We just have to make the
most of what we’ve been given.
Future plans are vague
But they are full of possibilities. At least, that is what I
tell myself on my positive days when I’m not lamenting how being in separate
places is really keeping us from moving on to the next phases of our lives. We
know we want to be together but the when and where and how eludes us for now. So,
most days, I see-saw from enjoying my freedom and independence, to being
impatient and resentful about being apart from him.
There are a couple of silver linings in this sob story
As mentioned before, I get to have the freedom to do my own
thing without having him constantly around. I get to spend more time with my
friends and parents. We also seldom fight when we’re together because why waste
the short time we have being angry with one another. And of course, the very
best perk is all that travel! Thanks to him, I’ve visited so many wonderful places
in Thailand that I would never have had a chance to go to otherwise, and to
Bangkok more times than I can remember now. It’s still fun every time I visit,
and I still come back broke and have to borrow money from him to get food at
the airport every time. We were also blessed to be able to visit Italy because
of his work. Planning our travels is one of the ways I keep myself psyched up
during the lulls when we are not together.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is that behind all the km’s
we’re just a regular couple trying our best to make things work. Yes, it’s hard
and yes, I ranted a LOT, but for me, it’s still worth the fight. So keep
cheering us on ok?
*1 sen coins went out of circulation in 2011
